Nov 17, 2011: The Good Listener seg to Carl Rogers and his therapy.

     Our schedule said that we would be discussing the book entitled The Good Listener. This is a short easily read book which has a lot of nice little advice. However, Todd, our leader didn't think that there was a lot of discussable information here. So we were happy to know that he decided to add a little something to our meeting. He showed us a video of the famous psychoanalyst, Carl Rogers, at work treating one of his patients. We watched the film and every now and then stopped to discuss his technique to see what we could learn from it that would apply to daily living.
     The first half of this book describes what we feel when we are not heard or listened to. This creates anger and a decrease in self esteem.
     The You Tube Carl Rogers tape of his therapy for Gloria was played.
     Some of the techniques:  Let them talk and just listen. He needed to get in a frame of mind or mood of appreciation. Meditation helps this. Also the therapist needs to be genuine. He couldn't be pretending with the client even moving to a guilt for wasting the other person's time.
     In Gloria's case, she is concerned that Dr. Rogers will be harsh with her. Her previous experience has created this concern. Dr. Rogers is very quiet, gentle and he shows empathy. If he disagrees with the client he still listens and will not defend what he feels. Part of being a good listener is to reflect back what the client has said.
     During the tape, Carl Rogers  brings Gloria back to her conundrum. The best way to get to a resolution is to follow her thread. He tries to anticipate her communication needs. Dr. Rogers has been criticized for staying too superficial. But over time his methods have become the basis for psychoanalysis today.

December 15, 2011: Your Ethical Will -- Leaving a Lasting Legacy.

      On Dec 15, Eric W talked to us about one of his favorite topics about which he has written a book. He provides counseling about the process of creating this legacy.
     Ethical wills have been present since Biblical times. Jacob gathered his children around when he was on his deathbed. He then tells a story and predicts their future. What is important to him comes out in this recital.
     Several characteristics of ethical wills are prominent. Integrity is one. It is important to be you, and show that you are you. When you look at a banana, you see a banana. And when you peel a banana, you have a banana. But the question is: Who are we? What is our integrity? And that may change over time. In our political world, the media makes politicians look like they are flip flopping when truly it may just be that their ideals have changed over time. Similarly our idea of what is right and what is our integrity can change over time. We all want to have certainty. This is important enough to us to determine who we vote for. But in wills, there is material that is more contested than the money that will be distributed.

 Eric has analyzed ethical wills that have been written before and those that people would like to write. He has some suggestions for their contents. They can be summarized as follows:
H  -- Hopes for the future
E  -- Experiences in life
A -- Appreciation for the next generation
R -- Religion or Core Values.
T -- Treasures. Fill the legacy  with treasures, comfort words, or talk about death comfortably.

     To write an ethical will there are several possible ways to proceed:
1)  Just start writing. This does not have to be written as though the author were a Hemmingway or Steinbeck. It can be simple, and even crude.
2)  Include estate planning. A regular will would tell the heirs what you want them to have. For an ethical will write what you want them to know. Maybe it would be what one thing was most important to you. Maybe your happiest moment. Maybe your true definition of success.
3) Do an extensive self examination. Ask a lot of questions of yourself. One could put together a video. Some people will do this for a price. But it doesn't have to be long or beautifully written.
4) One thing to not do is write a grudge from the grave. Don't be negative and don't punish heirs or tell them what the all did wrong. These will not go over well.

     Example: A mother writes: "What I want for you all as your mother is for you all to love each other as a famly. Love Mom.
     Family leaders us these ethical wills to maybe yearly calm a family or to solve conflict.
     People are like T bags you never know what they are like until they are in hot water.

     The attendees at the meeting all had a chance to write their own ethical wills or messages to their descendents. Some people think these would be good to read to the family before your death.

     Here is a very well written ethical will by By Rabbi Monroe Levens (1908-1982), spiritual leader of Tiferet Israel Synagogue in San Diego, CA for more than 30 years. His ethical will, dealing in part with his views on life after death, is at once thought-provoking and instructional. Asking forgiveness for possible inadvertent wrongs is a recognized practice in Jewish life; is is directed to family and friends either orally or, as here, is writing. This was written in 1973.

     FAREWELL
     This is my farewell. If I have done any harsh thing to anyone in this world, I am sorry and ask to be forgiven. Of one thing I am certain: I have always enjoyed the respect, love and confidence of my brothers. And that is something, a sort of portable treasure, to take along with me wherever I go, if I go anywhere.
     It is idle to speculate about death. It is one of the "secret things" that "belong to God," But whatever else it may be, it is the end of earthly existence. However, I do not believe it is the end of the spirit or the soul. And as for immortality, I think it is for us ourselves to determine that question. I believe we are as deathless as we desire or deserve to be. And so it is possible that I may be going somewhere, spiritually.
     Life here is a great and wonderful adventure; it may be a greater and more thrilling adventure there. The spirit is at least as real, though mysterious, as the atom whose secret we have only recently penetrated. Whatever doubts I have had and I have had many even as a Rabbi, I have always been a worshiper at the shrine of the wonder of life and the universe.
     To be skeptical requires no special skill or intellectual insight. Cynicism is an expression of mental and emotional frustration. The fact that life is and always will be an enigma is no reason for despair but a challenge to faith.
     And faith is the thing we supremely need, not the blind, unthinking acceptance of the beast of the field, not resignation, but the questioning, constructive faith which makes life livable and robs death of its terror.
     My interest in Judaism, more than a perfunctory attachment, is a powerful and unshatterable allegiance to the Jewish people and the Jewish historic cause which is the cause of an emancipated humanity set free from the shackles of false ideologies and destructive idolatries.
     I have a very intense, even prophetic, conviction that the new Israel is destined to loom large in the affairs of the world.
     From my Jewish faith I have learned two things which have been the constant theme of my service as a rabbi; that you cannot build up your happiness on the unhappiness of another and second, that you get out of life no more, no less than what you put into it.
     I an not afraid to go. Of course, life with all its burdens and reverses, is sweet, and friendships, especially the joys of unforgettable family relations, are precious. I have left many things undone and tasks unfinished as all of us do when the summons comes, but in terms of years, even more than the biblically allotted three score and ten. I have lived my life and should be satisfied. I have had moments of triumph and moments of defeat. I have suffered hardships and have weathered many a storm. I have loved and I have lost. But I believe, if they could be measured in a scale, the joys would outweigh the sorrows.
     Rather than fear of the inevitable or regret in going, mine is a feeling of intellectual curiosity. I have experienced many things here, probably everything that can be experienced in this mundane sphere, except this one thing, the final curtain. Instead of dreading it, I find myself asking, "What, if anything, is it?"
    The question may never be answered. It may be complete extinction, total irrevocable oblivion. And that is something or rather a vast, impenetrable nothing, about which we cannot speculate or argue either for or against. But if there is a God, and I believe there is, a Supreme and Inscrutable Intelligence, I think He is the god of Life not death.
     Therefore with the poet, I will wrap the draperies of my couch about me and lie down, I hope to pleasant dreams.
Faithfully yours, Monroe J. Levens

WOW!

December 22, 2011: Chanukah and some of its origins, by Gloria K.

     Our good friend, Gloria K, helped us out with Chanukah this year. She gave a brief explanation of the origin of Chaukah, but assumed that we all knew the story. I thought that perhaps we don't all know the complete story so I decided to include a summary here.
     It was 164 BCE.  The Syrian or Seleucid Empire had defeated the Egyptian control of Judea. Antiochus III was King of this Empire and had a fair number of Hellenistic Jews in his empire, so he wished to appease the Jews and allowed the Jews to continue to practice their faith at home and in the Temple in Jerusalem. But when his son Antiochus IV came to power, it is historically thought that he was influenced by the Hellenistic Jews in Syria against the traditional priests and Jews in Jerusalem. He therefore removed Jewish worship from the temple, forbade circumcision, placed an idol of Zeus, the Greek God on the altar in the Temple and ordered the sacrifice of pigs on that altar. This was too much for the Jerusalem Jews.  In 167 BCE a priest by the name of Matittyahu and his 5 sons led a rebellion against the Seleucids and won control of the Jerusalem Temple. By 166 the father had died, and the youngest son Judah HaMakabi (Judah the Hammer) led the Jews into the Temple and oversaw a clean up, the building of a new altar, and then called for the re dedication of this Holy Site.This re dedication called for the burning of olive oil in oil lamps all night but it appeared that there was only enough oil for one night if that. However, a miracle occurred and the oil burned for 8 nights which is coincidentally the amount of time needed to process some new olive oil. It was then decreed that this Festival of Lights, an 8 day and night celebration should be continued yearly at this time of year to commemorate this miracle and the restoration of freedom to worship that it marks. The Holiday of Chanukah was to be celebrated  on the 25th day of the Hebrew month of Kislev. This makes Chanukah fall sometime from very late November to the end of December. This year it starts on December 29 and ends on Dec 28.
     The Chanukah Menorah or Chanukiya is different from the Jewish Menorah that represents Judaism and Israel and that stands before the Knesset in Jerusalem. That Menorah has 6 lights and the Shamash or "boss" candle which is used to light the other candles. The Chanukiya has 8 lights, one for each night of Chanukah, and the Shamash which again is the candle used to light the others. Another candle is added each night of Chaukah. The candles are lit from the right to the left and allowed to burn completely down. This is usually done when it is just dark outside. Prayers are said and often specific Chanukah songs are sung. Other customs are to eat certain foods that are fried, again calling attention to the miracle of the olive oil. Potato latkes or pancakes are fried and often served with sour cream and applesauce. Also a deep fried filled donut type pastry, usually filled with sweet preserves, and rolled in sugar are served.
     Originally money was gathered for the temple, and later donated to the teachers of Jewish youngsters. But gradually this money in the form of a few cons was given to the children of the family. Later still molded chocolate coins were covered with gold foil and given to the children of the household. In Israel the Chanukah holiday is a minor one. Children do not miss school and adults are not off work. But the Chanukah holiday has taken on much more meaning because it has to withstand the overwhelming influence of Christmas. Therefore here, some families give little gifts to the children each night of Chanukah.
     A traditional game is played on Chanukah. The dreidl is a small 4 sided top. On the sides of the top are written 4 characters, one on each side. They are Nun,, Gimel, Hey Shin which stand for Nes Gadol, Haya Sham   or A great Miracle Happened There. In Israel they sell dreidls with Nes Gadol Haya Po (Here) instead. The game is played in the following way. Each player starts with 10 - 15 coins, raisins, nuts, or candles or other markers. He then puts one into the "pot". Then the player spins the dreidl and the character that comes to the top determines what should occur. Nus - nisht -- nothing happens and the next player spins. Gimel - gants -- the player takes all of the pot. Hey - halb -- the player takes half of the pot. Shin - shel -teyn  -- the player puts one more marker into the pot. Usually a time limit is set for the game.
     The appearance of a Chanukah Menorah can look like almost anything. There are the usual traditional types of Chanukiya.

 Then there are the modern looking ones.

 Some are made to look like the Biblical looking buildings all in a row.

Here's is one that looks like a gecko -- What's that all about.

But my favorite one here is one made from dreidls. Here it is.

     Gloria led us in some meditation that took advantage of some of the Holiday spirit. Chanukah is about freedom,as represented symbolically, but commemorating the freedom to worship as one pleases. It is also about a miracle that has to do with Light. And we all know that Light at this season has special meaning, the opposite of the dark of the Winter Solstice. People were to put their burning Chanukiyah near or in their front windows so that the lights would shine out and encompass all who saw them. I am told that this IS now common practice in Israel and it is quite wonderful to walk up and down the city streets in Israel and see everyone's Chanukiyah glowing forth.

December 29, 2011: Gunther Pohlmann Society Meeting.

      Given the Holiday Season, Heidi, Gunther's daughter, entertained us for breakfast in her home. We again saw several of the photographs of Gunther and personal family photos. It was also nice to again meet with Mrs. Pohlmann. Those in attendance shared a delicious breakfast casserole, cinnamon buns, some fruit and coffee. Heidi felt bad that her coffee pot picked this AM to break, but most of us had had our cup of coffee by then. It was probably better for the rest of our day that we had only one cup. There was no agenda and we just chatted amiably about our Holiday plans and other pleasant topics. Thank you Heidi for having us.

And Happy Hanuka, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Kwanzaa.  

November 10, 2011: The Spider and the Pear Tree

Argiope garden spider, exists here. The female's body is 1 1/2 inch long. She builds an orb (circular web) with the very characteristic zigzag ladder inside of it. 

 
  During this week's session, we were treated to the writing of Nic Pabst. He has written another essay from his heart which tells about an old decrepit pear tree in his back yard, and the emerald green spider who builds her web near his garbage cans under that tree. He moves us with the observations of that small spider's universe which he then broadens to include our universe and maybe then a universe that is oh so much larger than ours that we can't understand. Again we so very much enjoyed hearing this reading.

     I would love to put this story on this blog but we are preserving it so that Nic can send it somewhere for publishing We plan to keep after him to get these wonderful essays published. And if we publish it here, it might interfere with that goal.

     Nic has been reading a book entitled Sex on Six Legs, which discusses the small spiders and their webs, and most importantly their daily life.

    Charlotte's Web is another book that can be very moving, even for an adult to read.

     Sky said it is amazing how common mysteries become common miracles. The very familiarity of life becomes a veil and we have to work at seeing these things.

     Many people recalled various medias that tell us about such topics. Anne Dillard tells us that there are 600,000 spiders (or maybe other small beings) in a cubic inch of topsoil. Think of the ENTS in The Hobbit. They were trees and they were quiet, slow to act, but steeped in wisdom. One member spoke of Brian Torke, who was a professor at Ball State University in Indiana who observed spiders, and is a great story teller. Lewis Thomas's Late Night Thoughts While Listening to Mahler"


     Eo Wilson wrote about ant colonies. Another book someone mentioned is Life on a Small Planet.


     Whitman said "An insect is a miracle.because it can scatter a million infidels."

     We must stay attuned to these small miracles. Nic called our attention again to being in this world with every ounce of our concentration. Never let us forget to occupy the present moment completely.

     Georgia O'Keefe said "It takes a long time to see a flower. It takes a long time to know a friend."

November 3, 2011: Bake Off

          Our group opened by reading Phillip Chard's recent article:

Rediscovering purpose relights inner fire

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Oct. 31, 2011 |(0) COMMENTS

"I'm just tired," Tom told me, his eyes dull and distant.

When I asked if he'd had a medical evaluation, he nodded and replied, "It's not that kind of tired."

Looking down at his hands, Tom pondered his situation, then raised his head and said, "It's spiritual."

Tom is a divorced dad of three adult children who is nearing the finish line of his career. Generally regarded as energetic, creative and a lifelong learner, he has gradually felt his élan vital slip away like water slowly leaking out of a rusty bucket.

"Didn't notice it at first," he continued. "Just figured I was run down physically or in need of some R&R, but when it went from weeks to months, I figured there was more to it."

After his family doc sounded the "all clear," he decided to take stock of himself and his life. Visiting with a life coach and then a psychotherapist, he considered depression and burnout as the culprits, but none of these quite fit what he was experiencing.

"I know what it feels like to be down in the dumps or stressed out, but this is different," he explained.

What Tom had lost was his inner "fire," that intrinsic power that keeps one engaged with others, one's work and life in general.

And what was left in the gaping mental hole left by its departure is what I call "existential fatigue."

Tom defined that best when he said, "I guess I have a weary soul."

What we call "the human spirit" is interwoven with the will to live, not just in a survival sense, but also in an existential one.

So the opposite of Tom's spiritual exhaustion is a state of feeling fully alive and finding purposeful meaning in one's existence.

This isn't a state one can create simply by being physically healthy, mentally sharp and emotionally balanced, although these certainly help. Rather, it requires cultivating an intrinsic sense of purpose and meaning - essentially, knowing in a heartfelt way why one is here and what purposes one has been called to serve.

Earlier in life, many of us are fired up by extrinsic goals - achievement, money, fame, career, etc. But as one ages, these external rewards can lose their attraction, creating a motivational vacuum that must be filled from within, not from the outside.

But when Tom went searching for his sense of meaning and purpose, he couldn't find it. He'd reached a juncture where he no longer knew what brought his life meaning, leaving him bereft of a clear sense of purpose.

I suggested a series of visioning quests - one in wilderness, one to the small town of his childhood, and another at a retreat center. Also, he learned mindfulness meditation and began piano lessons, a long-held aspiration.

Gradually, his soul reawakened and began to whisper, nudging him back out of himself and into the world of people and experiences.

The energy created by reconnecting with meaningful moments and purposeful activity reignited him as a human being.

Like the body and mind, the spirit can grow weary.

Meaning and purpose make it glow once again.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Names used in this column are changed to honor client confidentiality. Email him at pschard@earthlink.net or visit philipchard.com.

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October 27, 2011: All Hallows' Eve

 
  Judy presented some information about our upcoming Holiday -- Halloween. The name derives from the even before All Saints Day, or as the eve was sometimes called -- All Hallowed Eve. A celebration of the occult, magical, and yes to some degree the macabre goes way back to ancient Celtic times. It is thought the holiday got its earliest start in the ancient holiday of Samhein which combined elements of celebrating the Day of the Dead and also elements of the harvest festivals. When Chritianity spread, as so often happens, the Christian leadership took advantage of the existing holidays and combined many of the pagan traditions with All Saints Day Eve. All Saint's Day was the day to consider your dead loved ones and pray to help them move out of Purgatory and on to Salvation. These beliefs were characteristic of the Catholic Church and the English Anglican church. But when Protestantism developed, the Sunday nearest Halloween became Reformation Day, to teach about and celebrate the Reformation.
     The habit of dressing up or disguising oneself originated in the idea that all those Dead people waiting around for Salvation would be roaming around and looking for those they hadn't liked when living or those from whom they wanted revenge. Therefore folks decided to disguise themselves on this eve so that the Ghosts couldn't find them. All of the wicked personae such as horrid witches, ghosts, skeletons, Draculas, etc developed because it was thought they would scare away the all those wandering souls. The night often had bonfires to scare away the ghouls, and then various harvest elements such as apple bobbing, hayrides, carving pumpkins (turnips originally in Celtic lands).
     Trick or treating is a major practice for the young. We all remember that practice as an (empty) threat of a trick or prank to be played on the homeowner if treats are not given to the children. But another related practice in some countries is called guising. In this form, the children ringing the doorbell must perform a trick or performance in order to get a treat.
     In the United States, Halloween has become the holiday in which the most money is spent on the paraphernalia such as costumes, decorations, and food stuffs.
     Our group discussed various memories of Halloweens past. Why do we love this holiday so and why do even small children relish the macabre? There must be something fairly primoridal -- a deepseated fear or concern perhaps simply seated in the fear of death -- that we can face directly on this night with tools that help us have power over our fear. Even small children perhaps sense this subconsciously. Anyway, clearly our society enjoys this Holiday and invests a lot of time, money and craftmanship in its celebration.