Thoughts, jokes, stories that keep my head and heart open
Drawn from family systems theory, Jewish spirituality, the literature on happiness and just random jokes.
The Rabbi’s Salary
There was a young rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, “Children are a gift from God,” he said. Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said,
“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
And the congregation said, “Amen”
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On Family Leadership…
Quote by Murray Bowen, MD in “Family Evaluation”
Operationally, ideal family treatment begins when one can find a family leader with the courage to define self, who is as invested in the welfare of the family as in self, who is neither angry nor dogmatic, whose energy goes to changing self rather than telling others what they should do, who can know and respect the multiple opinions of others, who can modify self in response to the strengths of the group, and who is not influenced by the irresponsible opinion of others. When one family member moves toward “differentiation,” the family symptoms disappear. A family leader is beyond the popular notion of power. A responsible family leader automatically generates mature leadership qualities in other family members who are to follow (Kerr & Bowen 1988, 342-43).
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“The Failure of Nerve,” by Edwin Friedman
Three indicators serve as an early warning system of reptilian functioning. 1) interfering in the relationships of others; 2) constantly trying to coerce others to one’s point of view; 3) inability to relate to people with whom one disagrees. Reptillian functioning is true for all humans some of the time. Because emotional reactivity is infectious, effective leadership requires self-discipline to watch the emotional process calmly and not become emotionally aroused.
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On Happiness…
“The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World,” by Eric Weiner (no joke).
Qatar
Bertrand Russell, the British philosopher, concludes his book The Conquest of Happiness by describing a happy person thus: “Such a man feels himself a citizen of the universe, enjoying freely the spectacle that it offers and the joy that it affords, untroubled by the thoughts of death because he feels himself not really separated from those who will come after him. It is in such a profound instinctive union with the stream of life that the greatest joy it to be found.”
That’s an awfully transcendental statement for a self-declared atheist. It reminds me of what Jonas Salk, inventor of the polio vaccine, said when asked what the main aim of his life had been: “To be a good ancestor.” A comment like that can only come from a man profoundly aware of his place in the universe.
I’m no Jonas Salk, and half the time I can’t find where I parked my car let alone my place in the universe, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about this. If we view our lives as merely the 70 or 80 years (if we’re lucky) we putter about on this planet, then they are indeed insignificant. But if, as that Buddhist scholar put it, “our parents are infinite,” then maybe we are, too.
The Geography of Bliss, Eric Weiner, p. 110, 2008.
Qatar
Muslims pray five times a day. This is what the Koran ordains. Why five times? Why not four or six? Only Allah knows, but when Islam sprouted in the Arabian desert some 1,400 years ago, one function the new religion served, intentionally or not, was to bring people together. The mandatory prayer got people out of their own tents and into bigger, communal tents and, eventually, mosques.
Some 1,300 years later, the French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre metaphorically spat on the notion of communal bliss by declaring, “Hell is other people.”
Sartre was wrong. Either that, or he was hanging out with the wrong people. Social scientists estimate that about 70% of our happiness stems from our relationships, both quantity and quality, with friends, family, coworkers, and neighbors. During life’s difficult patches, camaraderie blunts our misery; during the good times, it boosts our happiness.
So the greatest source of happiness is other people-and what does money do? It isolates us from other people. It enables us to build walls, literal and figurative, around ourselves. We move from a teeming college or to an apartment to a house and, if we’re really wealthy, to an estate. We think we’re moving up, but really we’re walling off ourselves.
The Geography of Bliss, p. 114.
Three Keys to Mental Health (Michael Kerr, MD)
Stay connected to family and friends
Don’t take yourself too seriously
Make friends with your symptoms
Some people are like viruses: They invade the space of others; They don’t learn from their behavior; Lack self-regulation
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“Zen Judaism: For You, a Little Enlightenment,” by David M. Bader
If you practice Zen meditation for long periods of time, you may be criticized by friends and relatives who feel you are shutting them out. Ignore these people (p. 75)
From his high vantage point, the Buddha was able to perceive with complete clarity not just the past and the present but also the future. Practicing Zen, you, too, can begin to anticipate what others, with less elevated perspectives, cannot. Then you can say, “I told you so.” (p. 85)
Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn’t work, try small-claims court. (p. 34)
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“The Anxious Organization: Why Smart Companies do Dumb Things,” by Jeffrey Miller
Human organizations are like wildebeest herds in this respect: the anxiety of one is transmitted to all. If one member of the group has it, then everyone has it. Human organizations differ from wildebeest herds in that members rarely agree on where the threat lies or what to do about it. As far as we know about wildebeests, all perceived threats are external to the herd. In human groups, perceived threats arise from two additional sources: threats to the entire group from within the group, and threats to the individual by the group.
Conflict avoidance and the behaviors it spawns-conformity, groupthink, overemphasis on making everyone feel good-are every bit as threatening to the survival of an organization as open feuds and turf wars. An organization thrives only to the extent that its members are fully and intelligently engaged. When individuals really care about what they’re doing, have strong convictions about it, it is natural for them to clash. Healthy conflict-by which I mean conflict in which the participants manage themselves well-can be the creative lifeblood of an organization. Handled well, conflict is highly functional. What is potentially harmful to an organization is mismanaged conflict. (p. 142-43)
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“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.” Woody Allen
“It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, or the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin
“Keep a good heart. That’s the most important thing in life. It’s not how much money you make or what you can acquire. The art of it is to keep a good heart.” Joni Mitchell
“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” Mark Twain
“People are like teabags, you never know how strong they’ll be until they’re in hot water.” Rita Mae Brown (Courage of Conviction)
“Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.” Satchel Paige
“The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” Robert Byrne
“These are my principles. If you don’t like them, I’ve got others.” Groucho Marx
The story about the monastery that had fallen upon hard times can be found in “Stories of the Spirit, Stories of the Heart: Parables of the Spiritual Path from Around the World,” edited by Christina Feldman and Jack Kornfield.
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