June 28, 2012: Good listening! by Jean H.

Might this be called "active listening?"

        One of our active members, Jean H. had taken a course in Listening and decided to share some of the things she learned with our group. Various experts about listening have stated that listening is an art form. It is very close to mindfulness and can be easily elevated to a spiritual level.

     First Jean presented a list of listening characteristics. We were asked to just consider some of these characteristics and if we commonly practice them in our communications with other people. Some of these descriptive listening practices are examples of good listening and others are examples of common habits that do not promote good listening.
     1) I quiet myself - clear my mind.
     2) Be present to the person speaking.
     3) Tune out someone speaking.
     4) Multitasking while on the phone, supposedly listening to someone.
     5) Focus on fact someone is speaking to me rather than what I am going to say next.
     6) Interested in people and the topic they are speaking of
     7) Interrupt or finish sentence for other person.
     8) Uncomfortable with silence -- want to fill it with words.
     9) Maintain eye contact, maintain appropriate space between other person.
    10) Ask appropriate questions
    11) Quickly want to tell about myself.
    12) Listen more than I speak.

     A member of the audience commented: "There's a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth."
Whistler said, "How are we going to have a conversation if you keep talking."

     Good listening makes for better communication, improves work performance, and improves interpersonal relationships.

     Jean cited the Dale Carnegie Course on Listening and the importance of good listening put forth in Carnegie's well known book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It is a fact that we all love to tell our own story. In fact commonly while others are talking, we stop listening and think about what we want to say next . But if we can resist that impulse to speak quickly or interject, the impulse will rise but then it will fall without speaking. And if a little time passes, we often see that what we were so pressured to say was not really that important in the scheme of the conversation. If people show a genuine interest in others, ask questions about them, listen to the other's responses and basically to their story, everyone loves the listeners

     So what are the qualities of good listening? Here are some of them:
Pay attention.
Let our own thoughts subside. If you have a meditation practice and skill, you can do this more easily.
Don't have your rebuttal all ready. Listen and don't think how to change the other person's mind.
Show you are listening (a nod, an "Uh, huh." smile, or gestures.)
Listening with the whole body but especially with your heart.
Your posture is open and inviting. You are leaning toward the other person slightly.
To encourage people in conversation, ask questions.
Observe the subtext; the body language may say something that you can see is not true.
Give positive  feedback. (Repeat what you heard, ask questions, don't judge, defer opinion, don't interrupt, allow person to finish. Be candid and open with response.)
In general have respect for others.

     We then did some listening practice. We divided into pairs. One person talked for 1.5 minutes about a small issue they have. Then for 1.5 minutes the other person repeated back what they had heard. Then for the next 1.5 minutes both discussed and shared thoughts.
Comments of the group about this listening practice:
1) There may be an urge to fix the problem. Some members thought, this might be a gender specific response. IE men may want to fix what seems to be wrong.
2) There was some discussion of the subtext -- the feelings behind the worry. It is important to have a self-awareness of how you are feeling about what is being said.
3) Good listening depends on maturity and lack of fear.
4) Some members of the group reported participating in listening exercises where they were only supposed to demonstrate "cow eyes" in response to the speaker. They were not to use nods, and other verbal or body gestures. On the other hand too many nods, and too many encouraging comments can be off putting as well. The consensus seemed to be that the correct way to respond in good listening is somewhere between these two extremes. The good speaker will respond to his listener's actions and adjust his presentation accordingly as will the listener.

     The author always likes to look up something 'scientific' about the topic of our meetings. Interestingly, good old Wikipedia has some very interesting things to say about listening. Here are two links -- the one to Wikipedia article and then a sub article that sheds further light on what exactly we are doing when we speak and when we listen.


     
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four-sides_model