July 23, 2015: Relationships

     This Bake Off opened with a summary of a recent Phillip Chard essay on relationships: Here is the link to this article:

http://www.jsonline.com/features/advice/some-who-seek-couples-counseling-need-to-look-at-themselves-first-b99537050z1-316136921.html

     Summarizing, in this essay Mr. Chard tells of a couple that came to him for counseling. But it was immediately clear that they were so angry at each other and so ready to throw insults at each other that he could barely get a word into the discussion. Mr. Chard went to the blackboard and began to keep score. But even that didn't work. He finally suggested that they should each seek counseling separately so that they could fix themselves and find help in seeing how each person themselves were contributing to the conflict instead of just blaming the other person only.

     " Counselors usually do their best to encourage self-reflection as part of the process, and sometimes the participants embrace this approach and find it helpful. However, with folks like Ann and Matt, the capacity to scrutinize one's own culpability is often limited. Immersed in ego, they can't see past their own self-interest.
If my repeated attempts fail to redirect the partners away from blaming each other and toward ownership of their respective parts in the marital conundrum, then a different approach is in order.
"You both need to be in counseling, but not together," I suggested.
Getting one's own mental house squared away can be a prerequisite to effective couples work, but, in their haste to fix things, too many partners leapfrog over this step and have at it. And even when counselors try to steer couples in this direction, they often meet resistance from one or both. After all, acknowledging the need to first change one's self is a tacit admission that one is part of the problem. Some folks just aren't ready to accept that.
"Unless you're both willing to address your individual issues, you don't need a marriage counselor," I suggested. "You need a referee."
Sometimes, before we can find the other person, first we need to find ourselves"

     As often happens with this group, we stuck to this topic almost for the entire hour. There were various comments worth repeating here.

     One problem with relationships is that they do change over time. This makes it very easy for a couple to lose each other. And the ego tends to push back against the other person. Some tricks can help keep this from happening such as a regular date night, or setting aside time for each other. And it may be that some couples are just not able to remain with each other. They have changed their goals too much.

     Sharleen commented that one can predict by studying their language used with each other whether the couple will have a successful romantic relationship. I am not sure if this is what Sharleen meant, but I found this interesting link describing just such a study. It turns out that where the style of speech used between two people is similar, the couple seems to have more success. Here is the link:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/01/110125104141.htm

     Paul often gives us a Buddhist perspective that is very helpful. He commented that one of the last things that people must give up before enlightenment is comparisons. We are constantly comparing ourselves to others and others to us. Then there becomes a competition. This is one of the hardest things to give up.

     Meridith reminded us of the 12 steps used in the AA and other addictive medical counseling: One of the steps is to make amends. To accomplish this, one must stop bargaining about how much was your fault. Blame and responsibility are shared.  One should own up to the 10% or the 20% or whatever amount of the disagreement comes from yourself. Own up to your piece of it. Leave the bargaining out. Virtually everyone can absolve themselves by some circuitous route. This is an ego defending process. It must be given up.

     Paul gave an example of a couple who have exactly opposite politics. They can agree to disagree. They accept that they are different. Too often we want to change the other person. But it is actually liberating to be in a couple where the other is not going to change. You can give up trying to change the other.

     One problem may be that civility has gone in a bad relationship. Our society in general has become much more uncivil and that standard is catching. The disappearance of civility has been very damaging to our relationships and to our society.

     Part of the problem is that the institution of marriage and its various property relationships adds another level of challenge to marriages. And life changing events such as the death of a child, or loss of a job, or similar events over which we have no control can change a person in a relationship so that that relationship cannot recover.

     Some thought that certain cultural characteristics such as a German rigid and perfectionist and non-demonstrative personality, or the passionate and too demonstrative Mediterranean personality also add challenges to getting along in a relationship.

     Admiration may be a nugget, and a gem that if present between two people in a relationship can hold the two individuals together. If you adore the other person, you are more ready to accept differences. Ask yourself, what would you do without the other person to bring out these nuggets of admiration and adoration. Eric has seen in his end of life counseling and planning, that successful families at this stage of life are those who can accept conflict.

     From a Buddhist perspective, the whole idea in dharma is just acceptance -- well not just acceptance but an actual joy in the other person. Celebrate the difference. Always understand that the other person has a good heart -- the vast majority of people want to do good for the world. Therefore we must have compassion for the other person and accept them and the situation with equanimity. As Thich Nhat Hanh said: "Turn garbage into flowers."

    Of course, not all relationships are romantic and between couples. We have relationships with our family members, our fellow workers, our friends, our neighbors and most of these adages apply to them as well.

     As the last word, your author decided to tell a story about a relationship that would end the hour with some humor. -- A woman was grocery shopping when she saw an elderly gentleman and young boy in her aisle. The young boy was acting out, begging for everything he saw, whining, and then throwing a tantrum if he didn't get what he wanted. The elderly gentleman, looking like the boy's grandfather seemed to be constantly speaking to the boy in a calm voice, soothing, and trying to help.
" OK, Tommie, just a little longer."  More crying and screaming!
"Tommie, we just have to go down this aisle and then we can go to the check out counter. You can make it. I know you can."
OK, Tommie, just about done. We just have to pay for the food.'
The boy was still crying and begging and acting out.
"OK, Tommie, we made it. We just have to go to the car now. You are going to make it."
     The woman was so impressed with how the man had dealt with this unruly child that she decided to follow them to their car.
" Sir, I followed you out because I wanted to tell you how I admire how you dealt with your little boy. You were so calm and so soothing and you dealt with a difficult situation admirably."
     "Well, thank you for your kind words, ma'am," said the man. "But perhaps we should introduce ourselves to you. This wild little creature here is my grandson Kevin. And I am Tommie."