Our bake off on this date had some real gems: First we read through Phillip Chard's recent column on the difference between pleasure and happiness. Some discussion followed this peace. Some of the discussion is printed here. Then, I believe, Paul suggested a peace from Thich Nhat Hanh's book, "Peace in Every Stem: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life" He was particularly speaking of a small meditation in the book, entitled "The Dandelion has my smile". It is reproduced here in this article as well.
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Philip Chard | Out of My Mind
There's a difference between pleasure and happiness
Too often, we imagine that pursuing pleasure will lead us to happiness. But pleasure is not happiness and won't take us there.
As we enter the commercial mayhem of the holiday season, it may be wise to reflect on the difference between two basic human aspirations - pleasure and happiness.
Contrary to popular confusion, these are not the same. At this time of year, that confusion is readily apparent in, among other venues, shopping malls where people pursue happiness (they think) by seeking things they consider pleasurable.
But this version of the pursuit of happiness is doomed to failure. As many have professed, "the most wonderful time of the year" is not made so by gifts and overindulgence, pleasurable as those may be.
Now, most of us make at least some effort to achieve happiness. But the path one follows in this pursuit needs to be thoughtfully chosen, and the consumer-driven, instant gratification culture that surrounds us does not provide a good model.
Too often, we imagine that pursuing pleasure will lead us to happiness. But, to put it simply, pleasure is not happiness and won't take us there.
It's easy to imagine these two states as the same or similar, largely because when we use the term "happy," it conjures up images that seem consistent with pleasure - smiling, laughing, playing, etc. Sometimes pleasure and happiness overlap, but they usually create distinct inner experiences, both subjectively (how one feels) and objectively (how the brain reacts).
So what's the difference? Pleasure depends on one's circumstances - activities, people, places, things, etc. It is mostly about having stuff and doing things, and is closely linked to factors outside one's self.
For example, receiving a longed-for Christmas gift may create pleasure. And while the effect is usually short-lived, it affords a measure of gratification and, in your brain, it "lights up" structures associated with a feel-good experience.
In contrast, happiness is a state of being (not a condition of having or doing). Granted, it can be influenced by circumstances, but it doesn't depend on them, as pleasure does. Translation? Happiness can exist even in the absence of ideal or desired external circumstances, including pleasurable experiences.
Happiness does not immunize one from emotional pain, losses, disappointments or tough times in general. Rather, it provides an existential foundation that sustains one's spirit in the face of life's tough stuff. Pleasure alone will not.
Still, when unhappy people get into dark spaces, they often seek pleasures they hope will deliver them from emotional or spiritual pain or emptiness. But pleasure is a kind of "pain pill" that rapidly wears off, while happiness actually provides a higher pain threshold, so to speak.
In considering what makes someone a happy person, it's easy to see how this state of being contrasts with the experience of pleasure alone. Happiness grows from self-acceptance, living for something greater than one's self, giving to others, intimate relationships, and a realistically optimistic attitude.
Pleasure is something we can have.
Happy is something we can be.
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email him at pschard@earthlink.net or visitphilipchard.com
Of course, our group had a lot to discuss about this topic. Several attendees use meditation to achieve happiness. Also gratitude practice creates happiness. In the case of pleasure, the drawback is that you will adjust to the new level of pleasure, and then you want more. Pleasure works like an addiction and you are never satisfied.
Several members felt that to achieve happiness, one needs to "always look at the bright side." Always try to look at the good. However, neither Heart Math theory or even Carl Rogers ever said that you should not have emotions. Don't shortcut your anger. You need to feel the anger. People hold on to anger by trying to repress it all the time rather than facing it. You need to practice worry. Your discursive mind does this. Listen to it and the negative emotions will fade. Fear is the negative emotion. Anger is not necessarily negative if you embrace it and accept it. Then it becomes less intense and not based in fear.
Similarly sadness is a loving feeling toward something lost. Embrace it. Sorrow can be sweet. If you embrace it and treat it as a normal part of yourself and it leads in other directions. Sadness is not depression in and of itself. But if you hate yourself for being sad, then you are depressed. It is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the person you hate.
Someone said expectations are premeditated resentments. And the idea that we should look on the bright side is bullshit. I don't recall who made this comment, but it reflects some of what went before in the discussion.
Thich Nhat Hanh treated this subject well in the his book about Peace which has a Dandelion on the cover. (Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life). "
Here is the small section "The Dandelion Has My Smile" from this book:
If a child smiles, if an adult smiles, that is very important. If in our daily lives we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. If we really know how to live, what better way to start the day than with a smile? Our smile affirms our awareness and determination to live in peace and joy. The source of a true smile is an awakened mind.
How can you remember to smile when you wake up? You might hang a reminder -- such as a branch, a leaf, a painting, or some inspiring words -- in your window or from the ceiling above your bed, so that you notice it when you wake up. Once you develop the practice of smiling, you may not need a reminder. You will smile as soon as you hear a bird singing or see the sunlight streaming through the window. Smiling helps you approach the day with gentleness and understanding.
When I see someone smile, I know immediately that he or she is dwelling in awareness. This half-smile, how many artists have labored to bring it to the lips of countless statues and paintings? I am sure the same smile must have been on the face of the sculptors and painters as they worked. Can you imagine an angry painter giving birth to such a smile" Mona Lisa's smile is light, just a hint of a smile. Yet even a smile like that is enough to relax all the muscles in our face, to banish all worries and fatigue. A tiny bud of a smile on our lips nourishes awareness and calms us miraculously. It returns to us the peace we thought we had lost.
Our smile will bring happiness to us and to those around us. Even if we spend a lot of money on gifts for everyone in our family, nothing we buy could give them as much happiness as the gift of our awareness, our smile. And this precious gift costs nothing. At the end of a retreat in California, a friend wrote this poem:
I have lost my smile,
but don't worry.
The dandelion has it.
If you have lost your smile and yet are still capable of seeing that a dandelion is keeping it for you, the situation is not too bad. You still have enough mindfulness to see that the smile is there. You only need to breath consciously one or two times and you will recover your smile. The dandelion is one member of your community of friends. It is there, quite faithful, keeping your smile for you.
In fact, everything around you is keeping your smile for you. You don't need to feel isolated. You only have to open yourself to the support that is all around you, and in you. Like the friend who saw that her smile was being kept by the dandelion, you can breath in awareness, and your smile will return.
We did not read the above beautiful piece at our meeting I have inserted it for your happiness. That is why this meeting could end on the following humorous but true note and quotation: If we put one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow, what means we are peeing on today.
Several members felt that to achieve happiness, one needs to "always look at the bright side." Always try to look at the good. However, neither Heart Math theory or even Carl Rogers ever said that you should not have emotions. Don't shortcut your anger. You need to feel the anger. People hold on to anger by trying to repress it all the time rather than facing it. You need to practice worry. Your discursive mind does this. Listen to it and the negative emotions will fade. Fear is the negative emotion. Anger is not necessarily negative if you embrace it and accept it. Then it becomes less intense and not based in fear.
Similarly sadness is a loving feeling toward something lost. Embrace it. Sorrow can be sweet. If you embrace it and treat it as a normal part of yourself and it leads in other directions. Sadness is not depression in and of itself. But if you hate yourself for being sad, then you are depressed. It is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the person you hate.
Someone said expectations are premeditated resentments. And the idea that we should look on the bright side is bullshit. I don't recall who made this comment, but it reflects some of what went before in the discussion.
Thich Nhat Hanh treated this subject well in the his book about Peace which has a Dandelion on the cover. (Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life). "
Here is the small section "The Dandelion Has My Smile" from this book:
If a child smiles, if an adult smiles, that is very important. If in our daily lives we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. If we really know how to live, what better way to start the day than with a smile? Our smile affirms our awareness and determination to live in peace and joy. The source of a true smile is an awakened mind.
How can you remember to smile when you wake up? You might hang a reminder -- such as a branch, a leaf, a painting, or some inspiring words -- in your window or from the ceiling above your bed, so that you notice it when you wake up. Once you develop the practice of smiling, you may not need a reminder. You will smile as soon as you hear a bird singing or see the sunlight streaming through the window. Smiling helps you approach the day with gentleness and understanding.
When I see someone smile, I know immediately that he or she is dwelling in awareness. This half-smile, how many artists have labored to bring it to the lips of countless statues and paintings? I am sure the same smile must have been on the face of the sculptors and painters as they worked. Can you imagine an angry painter giving birth to such a smile" Mona Lisa's smile is light, just a hint of a smile. Yet even a smile like that is enough to relax all the muscles in our face, to banish all worries and fatigue. A tiny bud of a smile on our lips nourishes awareness and calms us miraculously. It returns to us the peace we thought we had lost.
Our smile will bring happiness to us and to those around us. Even if we spend a lot of money on gifts for everyone in our family, nothing we buy could give them as much happiness as the gift of our awareness, our smile. And this precious gift costs nothing. At the end of a retreat in California, a friend wrote this poem:
I have lost my smile,
but don't worry.
The dandelion has it.
If you have lost your smile and yet are still capable of seeing that a dandelion is keeping it for you, the situation is not too bad. You still have enough mindfulness to see that the smile is there. You only need to breath consciously one or two times and you will recover your smile. The dandelion is one member of your community of friends. It is there, quite faithful, keeping your smile for you.
In fact, everything around you is keeping your smile for you. You don't need to feel isolated. You only have to open yourself to the support that is all around you, and in you. Like the friend who saw that her smile was being kept by the dandelion, you can breath in awareness, and your smile will return.
We did not read the above beautiful piece at our meeting I have inserted it for your happiness. That is why this meeting could end on the following humorous but true note and quotation: If we put one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow, what means we are peeing on today.
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